an interesting fact...

Yesterday night was a party night as almost all friday nights are. Our mess remains off on this night and unlike other guys of college i and my frnds like to stay in the hostel. Though we find it difficult to find decent food we stay coz its not the food that is on the menu. Yesterday after a "dosa" and "maggy" the party was on. I smoked 4 joints with ravi boss. He is a guy with unlimited supply of what we call "maal". And again it is the season of thoughts that generally follows smoking joints ,the reason for this post.

this time i thought of representing human emotions and their complexity in terms of a mathematical expression. Funny as it may seems but its interesting too.

I thought of a situation where 3 men are interacting each having three types of emotions. Emotions assumed here can be anything like happiness, jealousy, hatred, etc...now if we assume three persons to be three functions as l(x,y,z), m(x,y,z) and n(x,y,z). Here x, y and z are emotions and l, m and n are the relation between these emotions in the mind of any person. For the simplest of cases let us take l, m and n to be linear function of x, y and z. Thus, let us take,
l = ax+by+cz,
m = dx+ey+fz,
n = gx+hy+iz.

Here the constants before the variables namely a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h and i are the magnitude in which these emotions prevail in the mind of these persons. When these people meet for the first time their emotions aren't interlinked. So when they negotiate on any matter or they think of developing a mutual notion, the output becomes a product of these emotional functions. so,

output = l(x,y,z).m(x,y,z).n(x,y,z)
= (ax+by+cz).(dx+ey+fz).(gx+hy+iz)
= k1.x^3 + k2.y^3 + k3.z^3 + k4.x.y.z + k5.x^2.y + k6.x^2.z + k7.y^2........

what i want to say by this expression is that almost all the variables combine with themselves and all other variables to create a complex expression even when a simple linear individual expression is involved. Human nature is analogous to this mathematical term , i think. Only difference being, it is, i dont know how many times, more complex. When two or three people meet they develope some kind of notion towards each other and thus one of the terms given in the expression becomes more powerful and all other terms becomes negligible. You can get a simple result by putting two variables equals to 0. Then there will be less terms and the output will be simple. This may be a solution to general lfe problems. As you try to suppress your jealousy and hatred a just and desirable output is valid. For this you need to recognise those variables and eliminate them by hit and trial method. :)

as you can see, these thoughts can be pretty intimidating....i got my control over in 1 or 2 hours and thought it wise to get some booze. I went to adityapur bar and bought a half rum....thanks to bora....oh my god...i shudn't have mentioned this name.....he is a crazy freak....


i think i have mentioned him in other posts but i cant resist myself...last night his adventurous journey lead us to hit-dog-with-your-bike competition aka "kutta maro abhiyan". He artfully succeeded to drive the poor dog away from the campus....well he would easily have jumped into a ditch or would have jumped from a hill with his bike if the dog would have done so....


i don't complain that he is doing some bad.....i am scared for myself yaar....i always suppose it to be my last day when i go on a drive at night with him or rachit....but life goes on that way....and i will be doing those mistakes throughout my life...

don't know why...

Recently I have been to my native. It is a small village in north Bihar. Like a typical village its basic infra and modern developments are negligible. Even modest facilities like a decent road and electricity are not available. If you go there you won't believe there can be a place like that in this era. You will get a peaceful surrounding and pollution free environment there. This is the only thing that attracts me there. But this can't be a excuse for an undeveloped village. I mean, there must have been funds and development programs but why were they not successful. And a negligence of this kind is totally unacceptable.

But in a different context I found it so rich that it raised my doubts to an alarming level. The thing I am talking about is the intellect and the argumentative tradition that prevails there. Almost every evening at least 4 or 5 people gathered at the front of the house (it is called "DALAN" there) and they discussed about every aspect of life. May it be politics, traditions, religion, study...or anything and everything. This was almost like a ritual or kind of daily habit. I had seen this on my earlier visits but what amazed me was their level of thinking. Earlier I was not able to digest their talks and so it seemed non-sense to me. But when I sat and listened to them this time it was terrific, at least I can say. Some of them were religiously bent, no doubt, but there were people who criticized the superstitions. They gave proper arguments in the support of their statements. It reminded me about the belief in Hinduism called "lokayata" which questions the existence of God. It mainly focuses on the life that we are living and neglects almost all beliefs related to supernatural powers. Most astonishing thing was that even children were not excluded in these events. There were preparation based arguments in case of any event as community meals called "BHOJ". There were post analysis of the events. There were discussions on each and every subject. This is the source of entertainment for them them as well, as there are no televisions or other electrical appliances due to lack of electricity.

If there have such intellectual prowess then why the hell is this place so undeveloped. This is I think due to the same reason which seems so attractive from outside. They have developed their political reasoning to a good level and when the power goes into the hands of political leaders (I don't want to name one, there are many...)they know how to bend the rules and use it for their own needs. Undoubtedly, there are people who have shown their talents in almost every field. But the major problem is that there are arguments only. These thoughts need to be implemented in the real world and that too in a proper and healthy way. This is the matter with Indian mindset as a whole. They have talents and they have theories for development but everything is on paper. This is why there are many mathematicians and philosophers and economists in India but scientific discoveries and inventions are almost negligible.

Hopefully situation will change. And this not only a baseless hope. There have been recent developments in this state. Good roads, electricity, industrial investments are on their way. This is a slow process but I know one day it will be there....

The Argumentative Indian....

I am reading a book by a great scholar "amartya sen". I heard somewhere he got his novel for this book..whatever may be the case but the book is really nice. When you read something written by such an intellect it becomes a two edged sword. You read the book and after a lot of attention you think it is great but it exhausts you a lot. After some time you feel getting tired and bored by it. It feels like you are in a classroom where a really good subject, at times very interesting too, is being taught and you are too tired to focus on it. It feels really frustrating.

You can continue your work only if you are interested in the topic very much. And this is the case with me. I am progressing at snail's pace but i have not abandoned it. I have completed the first chapter in nearly three days.

The name of the book is "The Argumentative Indian". It deals with the notion that has been developed about india as being a religious nation in nature. An understanding has evolved around the globe that it has adopted all the superstitious beliefs without any question. The book tries to describes about the conditions and cultural history prevailing in ancient india and explains that india has developed its culture in a very argumentative nature. Tradition of explanations, discussions, and arguments have been in its culture since time immemorial. It also explains that the democracy and secularism is an idea which the indians have known for a long time. Ashoka and Akbar were the kings who championed these thoughts in real terms. It also introduces us to great ancient indian scholars like Aryabhatta, Brahmagupta, Bhaskara, Chanakya, Jaivali, Gargi, etc.

Though the book is difficult it is interesting too and i can really see from his work that he has a noble prize under his belt.

In the meantime I am drawn towards a different subject too and that is psychology. The NCERT book and the work of "Sigmund Freud" has done the magic on me. I cant hold my attention towards the subject any longer and it is sure that there will be a book of psychology on my table in no time.

Though there is too much to say today but the post has become too long already. So, good bye.

heaven to hell

High hopes by pink floyd--


This is a path from heaven to hell. I was once living in a heaven..there the life was beautiful...the life was too comfortable to even think about anything else...suddenly i was leaded towards an unknown force...guess where it leads...the path to hell. There is a bridge between these two worlds...

I have stepped out of heaven... i knew it will be disastrous but i caant deny it... i am continuously forced towards it. At last i have crossed out of heaven. OH MY GOD....the door to the heaven has closed...what the f***. Now one hand leads to hell and the other to nowhere... i have to continue towards the hell...sometimes my feet moves backwards but the force is pulling...

Now i am in hell...How ill-treated this world is. I cannt help remembering all those days in heaven...what a life was there!!!...now so many miseries here...what an ugly face of life...i cannt survive here................time passes..........it seems time heals every wound...a have become used to this situation. What is wrong with this...at least i have a zest for returning to those golden days...i have some meaning in life....

a big mistake

This is 6 in the morning and it is rather unusual for a guy like me to write a post at this time...but i have a thought prevailing in my mind and i cannt stop admitting it. I have a feeling about my friend circle that i know too much about them and i can sense every emotion rising in their heart....but this is not true. I had come to know about the fact this night. How foolish i am really. Whatever goes on in my mind is not a unique event...it can be thought by every person in general...if you have an ego, a self respect, a sense of care or may it be any feeling, it is there in the mind of each and every person in the world. What is diffferent is the power to understand this very fact.

This is the second time i have felt lost...and this not due to behaviour of a friend or a person of influence...this has come due to certain lack of understanding of my own world...people say "every mistake is an opportunity, we should take a lesson from it", but it seems i have not understood this thing clearly...only time will tell if i have to write this again or not.

The way i behave, my freinds and i too believe that i am an introvert. I listen too much and dont express my feelings even when i ought to. For me this has certain advantages and disadvantages as well, the latter being more, now i think. I cannot change myself totally, and i won't i know this,but i can adapt to the situations at least.

OPPORTUNITIES DON'T KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR REGULARLY, GRAB IT OR ELSE YOU WILL BE DOOMED COZ THERE IS NO DEARTH OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT EVEN TASTED IT.

Go to sleep man...tommorow will be a great day....

something different...

I am on a novel...."india unbound". However i have read only around 150 pages but i liked it too much to be left unread even if my exams are close. Some quotes given in it are so matched with my view of thinking that i cannt resist it. One in it says..."the people are happy when the king is far". It amuses me so much coz i relate it to my childhood days...Whenever my dad was out, me and my bro ,sachin, had so much fun and were so happy that we wished, at the time of time of studies, he were not in the house. Off course his absence now feels somewhat odd but that was the case when i was a child.

But the main topic it addresses ,i think, is somewhat else. There is a para explaining the view. It says...' in any institution, the superiors should always be there to help their juniors to teach the different situations that they are going to face and how to tackle the problems. They should explain them the traditons and the environment....but they sholuldn't impose their thoughts on them. They shouldnt try rigorously to take control over them coz this attitude leads to low creativity and less efficiency.' This is true for a family or a school or at any other institute...

I have always shared this view and totaly agree with this. A simple example relating this can be taken from day to day life. Whenever we face any problem, we simply do better when there is no one to watch and we dont think anything about the result...so one should try and try but never hamper his attempt by the thought a negative result or overwhelm himself by being overconfident.

DONT DREAM FOR OTHERS, IT WILL LEAD TO OVER-EXPECTATIONS AND FRUSTRATION....DREAM FOR YOURSELF, IT WILL TAKE YOU GREAT HEIGHTS.....

Off to my novel now....

changing times

yesterday i was drinking so much, after really a long time. Its not the quantity that matters but the aftereffects. Before yesterday night whenever i drank i was really comfortable and sometimes even the slight loss of control was not there. But last night only after 2 beers and some whisky i was vomitting like hell...i dont know what is this with the booze...sometimes it wont effect you a bit and at times it can drive you crazy...today i am in my full senses and totally sane, sometimes this feels great.

when i am drunk i become more concious and think a bit differently, if i am not senti....this state is an exception...i can do really wierd things in that situation which i can't think of in my rarest dreams.

god knows what i will write in tomorrows test but its not a problem, many tests have come and gone. i have not worried abt those so called important exams so why now...have a good sleep and copy very carefully in the test...

are you watching close enough???

Sometimes i think of human nature...how complex it is really....you can never be sure after even a great amount of calculation....how nice it would have been if i had the power to hear their heart loud. Some recent developements show that not everything that u are so sure of, will come out to be true...and i really mean it...maybe someone realizes it in his lifetime or not but the feelings that others around have for u, you can never know it for sure. I have experienced some sort of deep trouble in my heart twice, and maybe this is so coz i dont give a damn about what others feel about me. Maybe this will happen again, but i cannt change my lifestyle for such a triflle.

Anyways when i think about this i have a gut feeling that whatever i lost, may it be faith or anything else, someone lost something even more precious... it is for them to figure that out.

i had almost forgotten my blog...but at these times....i think it feels a lot more relaxed, having wrriten what is in your mind.thats all for now.

pure1

let us hear this beautiful song, comfortably numb. it urges u to wake up when u r asleep yet. he (but who?) wants to help you and why?.....he is by all his means, assuring you to become comfortable. he wants to gather some information about u and that means he is enquiring that how much high you are. singer says bla bla bla. what are you talking about.... i m not getting anything and you cannot gather any information about me at least by asking from me. and he also says that he should not judge him by his current situation (or he is not a drug addict). and the tune is like someone is suing the cloth and the needles are being pressed into the cloth. he tries to escape from his body and asking his soul to leave his body because the unknown person has been hurting it and he cannt do anything to get read of this pain. and now he is being treated for his drugs. he feels that he is coming into some other world because he is feeling...... in his childhood he was covering the earth in an envelope of thoughts and know pricking the envelope to see what is under the envelope. now this tune is like painting some fine strokes or drawing a graph with so many sharp points and getting up a curve or climbing down. now this; i m writing from my memory because i cannt afford leaving it unlistened. he plots a graph like tiiiiiiiiiiititi ti tiyi yenyen titiyiyenyen titrertrara tua tua......

so much fun

DEHSAT

it has been a great day. and to such a great extent that even s.s.p.(digital prof) has harassed us to a very little extent. i heard that he started to make guys senti in the classroom and thanx to our great brachmates that they even waited for him to leave the class. anyways it was real fun watching the skit in evening. we all chhapri guys used all our experiences to make everyone there laugh. it was great. sikkim sir was in his full flow and shahrukh boss was unbelievable. i wonder sometimes how many cheap comments does he have in his stock or is that everlasting.
it is worth mentioning here that dehsat has also got the potential. i can never forget his "ankhiyon se goli mare" cheap. it was awesome, mind blowing. the last but not the least thing to make the day wonderful is the news of having no classes tommorow. so the night will be perfect too.

free day

is it necessary to have something everyday to blow your mind out. today i had nothing, no booze, no joints... just listening to the music and admiring the surrounding of my hostel. half of the day was lost recovering from the hangover of the last day. this is the worst part of alcohol. it gives you dizzy feeling and as if it were not enough, you will lose all the following day with no appetite. besides all this there have been some 15 to 20 days of classes and how much i have attended. not more than 5 or 6 periods. it is obviously not the best way to lead a college life but what if i m unable to do more than this. i can assure you that i have been trying hard to cope with the ongoing studies. i had not scored that bad in the previous sems but the last. in the last one i wasnt able to score good but that was the case with almost all my branch mates. so why worry. just chill and do whatever you want to do.

frustating day....

after many days its booze. so i m sentimental you know. today our team lost; what can be worst than this. i hav been watching the match with some joint under me and i was sooooo much involved in the game.this team lost because some guys dont play the game in right spirit.you may not have the talent but giving your 100% is always possible for you and unless you do this your team cant win or at least it will not be a good team. when someone discuss that i should have been in the team without having any practise under his belt you know how it feels.... what the fuck is this yaar. you are not here to build your career and even then you are so much desperate to be in the team. what does this show? this shows only that you are here so desperate and frustrated to gain some respect that you can never play the game in right attitude. i simply dont like this attitude.

what to do

sometimes i think is this habit good or bad. do i really? no i dont think so. and why should i, as i hav this thing on my "about me' section that i want to be happy at all times and do whatever i want to do at all instants that includes all acts and habbits alltogether. whether it be smoking, drinking and all other acts too. today it is hashish an this i can proudly say. how can one be happy untill he is experiencing all things or at least trying to do so. so i try on each and every thing that is possible in this world. maybe it can effect my health but i hav the satisfaction of trying an another thing to which i can be judgemental latter. so once again i m here halfconsious and deciding about the world as if it were all mine.

yes i got my kick this time. you know how it feels when you recognise a sound from a great distance and feel the music to an unexplained pleasure. its great. this time i am missing my alpenlibes. that taste; i dont know how and where they make these combinations from.this would surely have been tasted for perfection on some guys like us. bora on his lappy as always. this boy has got something in his head. never hav got anything to say and at times he can frustrate you with his endless chats. leave it, i can understand. that freaky devil is in love. chinki saala. and what what the hell is with that chikna. roaming around as always must have been busy with his dealings and hand gestures at some corner of the hostel. i must say these guys can make you crazy with their deeds. ok so i m here the king of the world with so much to tell. i know, no one will care or read this but.... hey, i will make jha read this coz he has promised at least. you are great jha. always with me rubbing something between our hands with great passion. i love it. so guys off to the movies now. see ya.

once again i wasted my time doing this and that after smoking the joint. i know that these things will not matter a lot after sometime but i want to write after smoking. and i know jha hasnt written anything too. but maybe after gaining all my senses i have written this, another time it will be written in time. so dude dont worry, we'll do this next time.but i must admit the card thing was superb. i dont know how these things work but beginners luck, bad luck, good luck, all these luck craps are so closely related to cards. only those who play cards can know this.