confession

It was Blooms probably or the tree beside my hostel where I sat and drank beer with no worries in my mind but in the hindsight there always was a feeling that this is never going to end. I don’t know what life is going to offer but with other people’s experience and mine too; it’s pretty obvious that this will be among the best I am going to get. From the nights of endless rubbish discussion in the dark and powerless surrounding, weed smoking in the ups field, beer at late night in station, purposeless roaming on the roads at night, trips of Digha, Kolkata and Bangalore  and silly fights in semi-conscious states, it can never get better. I know this all but even then I can’t figure it out why sometimes I wish these to end. I know I am going to miss each and every bit of this land, my friends and what not. What is this feeling then? Is it the nervousness to lose this place or the excitement of future, chance to earn money and a place of my own? I know change is permanent and necessary. It has always been my thinking that future holds good things for you and you should always accept it with open heart. It is one of the ways to lead a happy life. But I guess such has been my attachment to this place that all common sense seems useless. Forget the past, fuck the future, do what you want to do now, these all have been my theories for some time now and have paid off well. I have never worried what happened to me in my past till now and there was no pressure of future here at least. That’s why I am so happy here but why does it seem that this will be very hard to continue in the coming days. The famous proverb “every coin has two sides” seems to be coming true. If this place has given me moments of immense happiness then it’s going to give me jitters too. I know I am being a bit emotional here that I normally don’t want to but this really is a truthful and honest confession.

Sometimes I think that a better explanation can be given in words of a hindi poem whose title I can’t recall but the theme was that one who hasn’t any worry can’t get real happiness just like the one who hasn’t been to desert, thirsty, in search of water can’t get the real sweetness of water. What do we do here in college? For me; I wake up whenever I want to, eat whenever I want to, with no classes and no worry of examination do whatever I want to do for the rest of my day and then sleep whenever I want to. Half of the time I am high on alcohol or weed and the other half I am in hangover. If some time remains I am on my PC watching movie or sometimes writing these useless stuff. If this will be the case for a man for 1 year I bet he will get frustrated. Sometimes I think that my placement at such initials stages has been a curse. I shouldn’t say that because I haven’t been in the unplaced scenario and don’t know the feeling but this is what I feel sometimes. This all is my fault or let it be said choices that I made deliberately. I could have prepared for some exams like MBA or Civil Services or other things but didn’t wanted my precious college time to be wasted in these silly things. I know I spent this time in the most exciting and entertaining way and experienced a lot of things and maybe this feeling is also among those experiences.